Posted October 16, 2019
This Chapter
Originally Written November 14. 2017
Chapter Uno
“California”
“The Letter” was not
addressed to you.
Why should you have
read it, you did not have
my permission!
I know what you will
respond; you read it
after Mi Papá died.
That’s fine. I will not
apologize for what I
said or believe. I spoke
my/our truth (I cannot/
should not speak for
my siblings), but as the
eldest I helped care for
them and was very
aware of their issues
and struggles growing
up, as well as my own.
Not only aware, we lived
this experience! I felt and lived
their pain.
I am convicted and
dedicated to my words.
I scream for my sister,
Manuela and my
brothers, Esteban y
Miguel.
I speak for all children
abandoned, discarded!
We’ve been here before,
following generational
sins and cycles.
One article I read during
my research stated the
following, “the biggest
factor is culture: in
some settings
the desertion of the
father comes to be seen
as relatively normal. “ I
was appalled and
angered to read
this, but unfortunately
“perhaps” true.
It goes without saying, I
believe that children
who have both parents
have a head start on life
and have better
opportunities.
But, I also know there
are some deal breakers,
such as alcoholism,
womanizer and
domestic violence (of
which Mi Papá was
all of them)! I have
previously stated in our
particular case we
seemed to blossom
once he left.
Thank God for
Abuelitos and a
strong extended
family.
He actually was a
detriment to us.
There is no justification!
If you believe I am being
contradictory, I’m not,
Mi Papa y Mi Mamá
(who was 15 and gave
birth to me at 16)
should have been more
mature to consider our
feelings as children and
the impact his
departure would have
on us. You can’t just
bring a human life into
the world and abandon
it, without
consequences! No
puedes tener
y abandonar hijos
donde quera, sin
consecuencias.
Unfortunately, this
seems to be a sick
pervasive phenomenon
in my family! Which is
still being repeated
today, of men birthing
children outside of their
marriage!
I was about 18 or 19
and a student, at
Humboldt State. I
received a call from Mi
Papa which was a rarity.
He lived in Santa
Barbara at the
time and had been
arrested for driving
without a license, or drunk
driving, he was jailed and
detained for non-child
support.
He begged me to
come visit him. I did, he
wanted my help (of
course) to talk to my
Mama to take away
this jail order. I
explained to him
that this had
nothing to do with Mi
Mama’s doing.
On that visit, in a park
like setting jail, he
introduced me to a
woman named Marcie
who also had a son
from Mi Papá, he was
like 3 or 4. So this son
must be about 51 years
old now.
Cycles are
generationally repeated
if issues are not dealt
with. Mi Mama was not
fully developed at 15
years old when she met
and shacked up with
Mi Papá, she had not
been taught by her
parents how to select
good husband material.
This is one reason I am
so opposed to young
marriages.
And the cycle was
repeated with us.
We were not taught nor
had good male role
models to eventually
select good husbands.
We had to kiss some
frogs before we finally
got it right! But, Thank
you my Lord, we were
saved by God’s grace.
But…… ..since you did
read the letter, then you
deal with its content.
Now, it is your problem.
When it was mailed, I
released it.
I was well aware of the
consequences when I
mailed it to Mi Papá.
I knew that I was
forever severing a
relationship with Mi
Papá. And, I was
prepared for never
talking or seeing him
again.
All these unanswered
questions I view as
snails floating around in
my brain, I give to you.
You may wish to spend
your life full of anger
and causing “silent
passive division.”
Interesting how the
oppressed becomes the
oppressor.
I will not permit you, nor
give you the
satisfaction…..it really
doesn’t matter.
You see, you did not live
my life, it was not your
life. It was mine, my
siblings and Mi Mama’s
life.
The Lord has helped me
find understanding,
forgiveness and peace.
Which is my wish for
you also.
Often we over look the
details, the itty bitty
beauty all around us
because we can not live
in the moment or we are
consumed with the
past. I don’t want to
lose the precious
moments of now to my
worries and live in a
haze.
After I returned from
Guadalajara with my
brother Steve (the year
fails me now). Mi Papá
wanted Steve and I to
help him return to the
United States to fight
for his Social Security
benefits.
Frankly, I was appalled
and pissed that he
would have the gall to
ask us to help him.
When I already felt we,
and by we I’m
specifically referring to
Mi Mama had done so
much for him. My
mother who was born In
Chicago had “fixed his
papers” not anything I
take lightly. In addition
she loved him and gave
him her heart and soul
and he stomped on it, te
“vurlaste de ella!” To
enable him to work in
the USA. To give him an
opportunity at a new
life. To give his oldest
son Gregorio the
opportunity to be born
in the USA, what a
gift….. all due to
MI Mama. You should
be Thanking Her/Us for
what we did for you,
Gregorio! We gave you
the opportunity to live in
Missouri, this great
country. I could bet you
a million dollars you
couldn’t drag your
haughty (altanera,
arrogante, presumida)
esposa or children or
even yourself back to
Guadalajara to live,
could you? Eres un
malagradecido, como
mi Papá!
Nos debes dar Gracias,
por lo que izo Mi Mama
por ti, y por todo que
sufrimos nosotros aquí.
No debe uno ser tan
orgulloso y arrogante y
debe uno ponerse de
rodillas y dar le Gracias
a Dios cada segundo de
cada día. I have been
very civil and respectful
to the “Mexico family.”
And, they have also, but
I feel the underlying
unresolved tension.
December 21, 2018
Chapter Dos
Yo Fui Tu Primera-Y Fui Tu Consentida
Yo soy la primera nieta
en la familia de Mi Papá
y Mama.
Nosotros Fuimos tus
Primeros Hijos.
La neta, que en ves y
cuando me entra coraje
que nadien me/nos
aviso que habías
muerto, no era su
decisión decidir!
Era nuestro derecho!
Acuérdense, todo se
paga en esta vida.
Por qué tanto miedo, o
rencór? Es todo un
juego de poder y lucha.
Y luego pienso….. Y
Que!
Pero, yo no deseo jugar.
I refuse to play games!
Yo que posible puedo
necesitar de ustedes?
Absolutamente, nada.
Mi Dios me lo a dado
todo y el me conseja y
me da paz y
tranquilidad, yo ya me
avía despedido de ti,
Papá, la última vas que
te vi y escribí.
No hay necesidad de
despedir se dos
veses, verdad, Papá?
Chapter Tres
“Mexico”
Era un hombre muy
guapo, no muy alto. Era
Tapatío con ojos
bordados y patillas. My
father was on the
darker side with a
mustache.
“Tapatio” is used as an
adjective for anything
associated with
Guadalajara. It is
associated with the
town of Tepatilan,
Jalisco. A town in Los
Altos de Jalisco (The
Highlands of Jalisco)
which is a region not a
city.
Tapatios are typically
very light skin
and sometimes have
red hair or freckles.
Mi Abuelita was from
Los Altos de Jalisco.
She was very fair
skinned with natural
rosy cheeks and very
natural beauty.
It is said that, las
mujeres más bellas del
mundo están en Los
Altos de Jalisco and in
her humble way took
pride in that claim.
Because Mi Abuelita,
had the money she
wore the pants.
The story goes that Mi
Abuelito, Francisco
(known as Pancho)
worked on Mi Abuelita’s
family ranch in Los
Altos. She had married
“the help.”
She had never
supported Mi Papa’s
decision to be in the
USA. She begged and
pestered him to return
to Guadalajara and he
did eventually. She told
Mi Papá she would help
him start his own
business, and she did.
The USA was never his
home and while here, he
would drink and beat Mi
Mama as if she
“represented all he
hated about the United
States” and to forget
where and why he was
here.
He was always trying to
find his way back to
Guadalajara.
And, in time he did and
started a “new family.”
When my brother, Mike
passed away in 1979.
Mi Papá who was in
Guadalajara did not
return to California for
his funeral. In the letter I
shared how crushed
and how I had relived
feelings of
abandonment.
How could you not
attend your own son’s
funeral? Unless
you were a cold
unfeeling human being.
My mother, Mis
Abuelitos and uncle’s
were our sole
supporters when he
abandoned us. Until Mi
Mama received
“welfare” for us. In the
letter I told him that the
United States
government had
supported us when he
ran off to return to
Guadalajara, I told him
to forget about his
Social Security benefits
and to consider it
payment for all the
years welfare had
supported us (when he
had abandoned us)!
To consider it a wash!
Frankly I was upset that
here he was fighting for
his money and what he
felt was due to him for
the years he worked
here in the USA. And, he
wanted to return to the
USA and fight for his
Social Security
benefits! But, yet he
couldn’t return for my
brother’s Mike funeral!
We had been on
welfare since he had
not supported us or
paid child support.
Following his same
narcissistic, “it’s
all about me” pattern.
I also stated that he
didn’t even know my
birthdate.
I know he didn’t like
what I had to say in the
letter, and I was fine
with that. And, I’m sure his wife,
Lupe, nor children liked what
I said either! But, that’s fine with me.
Mi Papá was what I call
a Romantic Criminal,
they steal your money,
your time and your
dignity (but only if we
allow them).
I never heard from him
again and he died. We
were never notified by
the family in
Guadalajara that he
had passed! And,
perhaps that was his
request! But, I do feel
it was their
responsibility, out of
respect to us to let us
know our Papá had
died. Obviously, they do
not respect or consider us.
That being said, out of human
dignity, they should have
informed us.
Many many years later,
I returned to visit my
Aunt and Uncle’s and I
learned from my
brother via text that I
Hello
was not welcomed, due
to “the letter!” Which
was upsetting to me,
since I wasn’t going to
Guadalajara to visit
them, how
presumptuous of them!
I was going to
Guadalajara to visit my
Aunt and Uncles.
Although, I did go and
say hello to Lupe (my stepmother),
It was tense.
Growing up, I was
taught to not cry or
show any weakness;
as I started writing
my thought was to
always write from
strength and not allow
anyone to think of you
as weak or vulnerable.
“Do not air your dirty
laundry!”
As my strands of hair
silver and as autumn
draws on, I begin to
think that anyone’s
strength is only what
unites her or him to
everyone else in shared
experience, and often
vulnerability.
Chapter Cuatro
“My Lord”
The last thing I would
hate to appear is a
victim. I am not. I have
worked hard to forgive,
purge and heal. And
Thanks to Our Lord I
have. Through my Lord I
have learned to live life
as a victor over my
circumstances—not a
victim of them.
Of course things will
still pop up
occasionally, some very
good memories of Mi
Papá. But, when I think
of him usually it has to
do with feelings of
abandonment. I’ve
always known that I
need to heal the little
girl so she may grow
into a healthy woman. If
not you love from your
broken places.
As I draw closer to the
Lord I understand I
was forgiven and
should forgive Mi Papá.
It’s as if sedimentary
layers are being peeled
back.
What I didn’t know
growing up and have
since learned.
When we face a crisis,
that crisis becomes a
turning point. In every
crisis you will have a
breakthrough or
breakdown. The trouble
causes us to get bitter
or we trust God and get
better. I choose to
believe that God has
ordered my steps and
He’s going to work it for
my good. He’s working
it out. It will get better. I
am an overcomer!
I have always
questioned and
challenged hypocrisy
whether here, or
wherever!
None of us are without
guilt, for we have all
sinned and fallen short
of God’s glory. We’ve all
disobeyed God and hurt
other people. What,
then, can we do with
guilt? We can either
bear it ourselves, blame
someone else, or nail it
to the cross of Christ.
It is a walk we must all
go through
individually at our own
time, we all have our
cross to bear.
I am defined by my
victories, because I am
a child of God. I want to
be an Overcomer
conquering the greatest
obstacles in my life.
Chapter Cinco
“The Cycle Is Repeated”
I am baffled beyond
comprehension of
trying to make sense of
any of this….of my
father’s life and
death. Since, as of most
recent another similar
issue arose within my
California Familia where
certain family members
are upset over a
misunderstanding of Mi
Mama’s funeral requests.
Seriously, before
jumping to conclusions,
talk it out. And while
we’re at it, let’s have
face to face
conversations. Anyone
can hide behind a
phone/text/email
passive/aggressive
rants, or while you’re
drunk and have liquid
courage! Or when you
know someone will be
calling you. So you have
your “speech” all
planned out!
Mi Mama era una mujer
muy sabia and she
raised no fools. Our
Lord has given us
clarity. My perceptive
intuition and God given
clarity tells me all this
pedo, es coraje y
caprichos de
mujeres (who have
never been respected)
by their husbands and
are “testing the waters”
and playing a power
game; because they
have never had a
voice!
You see these
characteristics
repeatedly repeated…..
where the wife of the
womanizing husband
sometimes becomes a
shopaholic (as her way
of control/retaliation).
But, an adult will look
you square in the eyes
and have a mature,
productive, and
healthy conversation.
The cycle continues by
man!
You know the way my
brain works I can’t
resist but wonder, Lord,
what is the connection
the correlation between
all this? That even in
death Mi Papá y
también Mi Mama have
left unresolved
questions and issues!
But, I do see the
difference also, Mi Papá
created all of his
unresolved questions
and issues where in Mi
Mama’s case “other
people” created the
problems and chismes!
Chapter Seis
The Pathology of Denial
and Avoidance
I know this is true, but I
also know until we
search the heart, no
true healing,
restoration, or change
will ever occur. All
external “resolutions”
are mere ideas.
I know how this may
sound cliche, but I think
it’s accurate you can
not walk around the
pain, you must walk
through it!
But, my Lord tells
us in Jeremiah 29:11
11 For I know the plans I
have for you,” declares
the LORD, “plans to
prosper you and not to
harm you, plans to give
you hope and a future.
We also learn that lying
sows destruction, but
the truth is liberating.
The Bible says, “He who
covers his sins will not
prosper, but whoever
confesses and forsakes
them will have
mercy” (Proverbs
28:13). Live under the
blood of Christ and
above the reproach of
the world. Your guilt is
no match for His grace.
Isaiah 43:18 “Forget
about what’s
happened; don’t keep
going over old history. It
is time to move forward.
Abrazos y Besos
Thank You, Father
