You Can’t Break A Woman Who Gets Her Strength From God

Posted October 16, 2019

This Chapter

Originally Written November 14. 2017

Chapter Uno

“California”

“The Letter” was not

addressed to you.

Why should you have

read it, you did not have

my permission!

I know what you will

respond; you read it

after Mi Papá died.

That’s fine. I will not

apologize for what I

said or believe. I spoke

my/our truth (I cannot/

should not speak  for

my siblings), but as the

eldest I helped care for

them and was very

aware of their issues

and struggles growing

up, as well as my own.

Not only aware, we lived

this experience! I felt and lived

their pain.

I am convicted and

dedicated to my words.

I scream for my sister,

Manuela and my

brothers, Esteban y

Miguel.

I speak for all children

abandoned, discarded!

We’ve been here before,

following generational

sins and cycles.

One article I read during

my research stated the

following, “the biggest 

factor is culture: in

some settings

the desertion of the

father comes to be seen

as relatively normal. “ I

was appalled and

angered to read

this, but unfortunately

“perhaps” true.

It goes without saying, I

believe that children    

who have both parents

have a head start on life

and have better

opportunities.

But, I also know there

are some deal breakers,

such as alcoholism,

womanizer and

domestic violence (of

which Mi Papá was

all of them)! I have

previously stated in our

particular case we

seemed to blossom

once he left.

Thank God for

Abuelitos and a

strong extended

family.

He actually was a

detriment to us.

There is no justification!

If you believe I am being

contradictory, I’m not,

Mi Papa y Mi Mamá

(who was 15 and gave

birth to me at 16)

should have been more

mature to consider our

feelings as children and

the impact his

departure would have

on us. You can’t just

bring a human life into

the world and abandon

it, without

consequences! No

puedes tener

y abandonar hijos

donde quera, sin

consecuencias.

Unfortunately, this

seems to be a sick

pervasive phenomenon

in my family! Which is

still being repeated

today, of men birthing

children outside of their

marriage!

I was about 18 or 19

and a student, at

Humboldt State. I

received a call from Mi

Papa which was a rarity.

He lived in Santa

Barbara at the

time and had been

arrested for driving

without a license, or drunk

driving, he was jailed and

detained for non-child

support.

He begged me to

come visit him. I did, he

wanted my help (of

course) to talk to my

Mama to take away

this jail order. I

explained to him

that this had

nothing to do with Mi

Mama’s doing.

On that visit, in a park

like setting jail, he

introduced me to a

woman named Marcie

who also had a son

from Mi Papá, he was

like 3 or 4.  So this son

must be about 51 years

old now.

Cycles are

generationally repeated

if issues are not dealt

with. Mi Mama was not

fully developed at 15

years old when she met

and shacked up with   

Mi Papá, she had not

been taught by her

parents how to select

good husband material.

This is one reason I am

so opposed to young

marriages.

And the cycle was

repeated with us.

We were not taught nor

had good male role

models to eventually

select good husbands.

We had to kiss some

frogs before we finally

got it right! But, Thank

you my Lord, we were

saved by God’s grace.


But…… ..since you did

read the letter, then you

deal with its content. 

Now, it is your problem.

When it was mailed, I

released it.

I was well aware of the

consequences when I

mailed it to Mi Papá.

I knew that I was

forever severing a

relationship with Mi

Papá. And, I was

prepared for never

talking or seeing him

again.

All these unanswered

questions I view as

snails floating around in

my brain, I give to you.

You may wish to spend

your life full of anger

and causing “silent

passive division.”

Interesting how the

oppressed becomes the

oppressor.

I will not permit you, nor

give you the

satisfaction…..it really

doesn’t matter.

You see, you did not live

my life, it was not your

life. It was mine, my

siblings and Mi Mama’s

life. 

The Lord has helped me

find understanding,

forgiveness and peace.

Which is my wish for

you also.

Often we over look the

details, the itty bitty

beauty all around us

because we can not live

in the moment or we are

consumed with the

past. I don’t want to

lose the precious

moments of now to my

worries and live in a

haze.

After I returned from

Guadalajara with my

brother Steve (the year

fails me now). Mi Papá

wanted Steve and I to

help him return to the

United States to fight

for his Social Security

benefits.

Frankly, I was appalled

and pissed that he

would have the gall to

ask us to help him.

When I already felt we,

and by we I’m

specifically referring to

Mi Mama  had done so

much for him. My

mother who was born In

Chicago had “fixed his

papers” not anything I

take lightly. In addition

she loved him and gave

him her heart and soul

and he stomped on it, te

“vurlaste de ella!” To

enable him to work in

the USA. To give him an

opportunity at a new

life. To give his oldest

son Gregorio the

opportunity to be born

in the USA, what a

gift….. all due to

MI Mama. You should

be Thanking Her/Us for

what we did for you,

Gregorio! We gave you

the opportunity to live in

Missouri, this great

country. I could bet you

a million dollars you

couldn’t drag your

haughty (altanera,

arrogante, presumida)

esposa or children or

even yourself back to

Guadalajara to live,

could you? Eres un

malagradecido, como

mi Papá!

Nos debes dar Gracias,

por lo que izo Mi Mama

por ti, y por todo que

sufrimos nosotros aquí.

No debe uno ser tan

orgulloso y arrogante  y

debe uno ponerse de

rodillas y dar le Gracias

a Dios cada segundo de

cada día.  I have been

very civil and respectful

to the “Mexico family.”

And, they have also, but

I feel the underlying

unresolved tension.

December 21, 2018

Chapter Dos

Yo Fui Tu Primera-Y Fui Tu Consentida

Yo soy la primera nieta

en la familia de Mi Papá

y Mama.

Nosotros Fuimos tus

Primeros Hijos.

La neta, que en ves y

cuando me entra coraje

que nadien me/nos  

aviso que habías

muerto, no era su

decisión decidir!

Era nuestro derecho!

Acuérdense, todo se

paga en esta vida.

Por qué tanto miedo, o

rencór? Es todo un

juego de poder y lucha.

Y luego pienso….. Y

Que!

Pero, yo no deseo jugar.

I refuse to play games!

Yo que posible puedo

necesitar de ustedes?

Absolutamente, nada.

Mi Dios me lo a dado

todo y el me conseja y

me da  paz y

tranquilidad, yo ya me

avía despedido de ti,

Papá, la última vas que

te vi y escribí.

No hay necesidad de

despedir se dos

veses, verdad, Papá?

Chapter Tres

“Mexico”

Era un hombre muy

guapo, no muy alto. Era

Tapatío con ojos

bordados y patillas. My

father was on the

darker side with a

mustache.

“Tapatio” is used as an

adjective for anything

associated with

Guadalajara. It is

associated with the

town of Tepatilan,

Jalisco. A town in Los

Altos de Jalisco (The

Highlands of Jalisco)

which is a region not a

city.

Tapatios are typically

very light skin

and sometimes have

red hair or freckles.

Mi Abuelita was from

Los Altos de Jalisco.

She was very fair

skinned with natural

rosy  cheeks and very

natural beauty.

It is said that, las

mujeres más bellas del

mundo están en Los

Altos de Jalisco and in

her humble way took

pride in that claim.

Because Mi Abuelita,

had the money she

wore the pants.

The story goes that Mi

Abuelito, Francisco

(known as Pancho)

worked on Mi Abuelita’s

family ranch in Los

Altos. She had married

“the help.”

She had never

supported Mi Papa’s

decision to be in the

USA. She begged and

pestered him to return

to Guadalajara and he

did eventually. She told

Mi Papá she would help

him start his own

business, and she did.

The USA was never his

home and while here, he

would drink and beat Mi

Mama as if she

“represented all he

hated about the United

States” and to forget

where and why he was

here.

He was always trying to

find his way back to

Guadalajara.

And, in time he did and

started a “new family.”

When my brother, Mike

passed away in 1979.

Mi Papá who was in

Guadalajara did not

return to California for

his funeral. In the letter I

shared how crushed

and how I had relived

feelings of

abandonment.

How could you not

attend your own son’s

funeral? Unless

you were a cold

unfeeling human being.

My mother, Mis

Abuelitos and uncle’s

were our sole

supporters when he

abandoned us. Until Mi

Mama received

“welfare” for us. In the

letter I told him that the

United States

government  had

supported us when he

ran off to return to

Guadalajara, I told him

to forget about his

Social Security  benefits

and to consider it

payment for all the

years welfare had

supported us (when he

had abandoned us)!

To consider it a wash!

Frankly I was upset that

here he was fighting for

his money and what he

felt was due to him for

the years he worked

here in the USA. And, he

wanted to return to the

USA and fight for his

Social Security

benefits! But, yet he

couldn’t return for my

brother’s Mike funeral!

We had been on

welfare since he had

not supported us or

paid child support.

Following his same

narcissistic, “it’s

all about me” pattern.

I also stated that he

didn’t even know my

birthdate.

I know he didn’t like

what I had to say in the

letter, and I was fine

with that. And, I’m sure his wife,

Lupe, nor children liked what

I said either! But, that’s fine with me.

Mi Papá was what I call

a Romantic Criminal,

they steal your money,

your time and your

dignity (but only if we

allow them).

I never heard from him

again and he died. We

were never notified by

the family in

Guadalajara that he

had passed! And,

perhaps that was his

request! But, I do feel

it was their

responsibility, out of

respect to us to let us

know our Papá had

died. Obviously, they do

not respect or consider us.

That being said, out of human

dignity, they should have

informed us.

Many many years later,

I returned to visit my

Aunt and Uncle’s and I

learned from my

brother via text that I

Hello

was not welcomed, due

to “the letter!” Which

was upsetting to me,

since  I wasn’t going to

Guadalajara to visit

them, how

presumptuous of them!

I was going to

Guadalajara to visit my

Aunt and Uncles. 

Although, I did go and

say hello to Lupe (my stepmother),

It was tense.

Growing up, I was

taught to not cry or

show any weakness;

as I started writing

my thought was to

always write from

strength and not allow

anyone to think of you

as weak or vulnerable.

“Do not air your dirty

laundry!”

As my strands of hair

silver and as autumn

draws on, I begin to

think that anyone’s

strength is only what

unites her or him to

everyone else in shared

experience, and often

vulnerability.

Chapter Cuatro

“My Lord”

The last thing I would

hate to appear is a

victim. I am not. I have

worked hard to forgive,

purge and heal. And

Thanks to Our Lord I

have. Through my Lord I

have learned to live life

as a victor over my

circumstances—not a

victim of them.

Of course things will

still pop up

occasionally, some very

good memories of Mi

Papá. But, when I think

of him usually it has to

do with feelings of

abandonment. I’ve

always known that I

need to heal the little

girl so she may grow

into a healthy woman. If

not you love from your

broken places.

As I draw closer to the

Lord I understand  I

was forgiven and

should forgive Mi Papá.

It’s as if sedimentary

layers are being peeled

back.

What I didn’t know

growing up and have

since learned.

When we face a crisis,

that crisis becomes a

turning point. In every

crisis you will have a

breakthrough or

breakdown. The trouble

causes us to get bitter

or we trust God and get

better. I choose to

believe that God has

ordered my steps and

He’s going to work it for

my good. He’s working

it out. It will get better. I

am an overcomer!

I have always

questioned and

challenged hypocrisy

whether here, or

wherever!

None of us are without

guilt, for we have all

sinned and fallen short

of God’s glory. We’ve all

disobeyed God and hurt

other people. What,

then, can we do with

guilt? We can either

bear it ourselves, blame

someone else, or nail it

to the cross of Christ.

It is a walk we must all

go through

individually at our own

time, we all have our

cross to bear.

I am defined by my

victories, because I am

a child of God. I want to

be an Overcomer

conquering the greatest

obstacles in my life.

Chapter Cinco

“The Cycle Is Repeated”

I am baffled beyond

comprehension of

trying to make sense of

any of this….of my

father’s life and

death. Since, as of most

recent another similar    

issue arose within my

California Familia where

certain family members

are upset over a

misunderstanding of Mi

Mama’s funeral requests.

Seriously, before

jumping to conclusions,

talk it out. And while

we’re at it, let’s have

face to face

conversations. Anyone

can hide behind a

phone/text/email

passive/aggressive

rants, or while you’re

drunk and have liquid

courage! Or when you

know someone will be

calling you. So you have

your “speech” all

planned out!

Mi Mama era una mujer

muy sabia and she

raised no fools. Our

Lord has given us

clarity. My perceptive

intuition and God given

clarity tells me all this

pedo, es coraje y

caprichos de

mujeres (who have

never been respected)

by their husbands and

are “testing the waters”

and playing a power

game; because they

have never had a

voice!

You see these

characteristics

repeatedly repeated…..

where the wife of the

womanizing husband

sometimes becomes a

shopaholic (as her way

of control/retaliation).

But, an adult will look

you square in the eyes

and have a mature,

productive, and

healthy conversation.

The cycle continues by

man!

You know the way my

brain works I can’t

resist but wonder, Lord,

what is the connection

the correlation between

all this? That even in

death Mi Papá y

también Mi Mama have

left unresolved

questions and issues!

But, I do see the

difference also, Mi Papá

created all of his

unresolved questions

and issues where in Mi

Mama’s case “other

people” created the

problems and chismes!

Chapter Seis

The Pathology of Denial

and Avoidance 

I know this is true, but I

also know until we

search the heart, no

true healing,

restoration, or change

will ever occur. All

external “resolutions”

are mere ideas.

I know how this may

sound cliche, but I think

it’s accurate you can

not walk around the

pain, you must walk

through it!

But, my Lord tells

us in Jeremiah 29:11

11 For I know the plans I

have for you,” declares

the LORD, “plans to

prosper you and not to

harm you, plans to give

you hope and a future.

We also learn that lying

sows destruction, but

the truth is liberating.

The Bible says, “He who

covers his sins will not

prosper, but whoever

confesses and forsakes

them will have

mercy” (Proverbs

28:13). Live under the

blood of Christ and

above the reproach of

the world. Your guilt is

no match for His grace.

Isaiah 43:18 “Forget

about what’s

happened; don’t keep

going over old history. It

is time to move forward.

Abrazos y Besos

Thank You, Father

Published by

abrazosybesosblog

I am perpetually creative, and my eyes “feel” art everywhere. Who am I, I am an open book. I believe that sharing “from the heart” with one another is what connects us, heals us, and inspires us! My love for my Lord, family, friends, cooking, crafting, gardening/nature, vintage, sewing and different cultures; these passions and too many more to list, have moved my hand to paper, thus, Abrazos y Besos. In addition to a nudge by my baby sister, Dudies. My last name is Hug which means Abrazo in Spanish, hence the name of my blog: “Abrazos y Besos” translating to “Hugs & Kisses.” I will focus on our personal life journey with Mi Corazon (Augie Hug) sprinkled with love, spice and fun. Please tune in. Philippians 4:13 New King James Version (NKJV) 13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

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