January 18, 2019
I have always believed in my Lord, known He is my Savior and have loved Him. But, I did not have a personal relationship with Him. Even though he saved me countless times.
My Mama and many Mexican people use this common proverb, “todo se paga en esta vida,” you pay for all you do in this lifetime (alluding to sins). Initially, it didn’t mean anything to me. And, it went in one ear and came out the other. But, at some point I started hearing what she was saying, really hearing and “chewing” what she was saying. And, I disliked it whenever Mi Mama would admonish me with it. Because all the bad things I had ever done would rapidly play as if a “video in my head” and at times, not so rapidly, it dragged on and on, like a slow-motion movie. I’d think my Mama wants me to change my ways and lead a clean, boring fun-less life, by instilling fear in me! I somehow associated a “clean fun-less life” to boring! I associated this thinking closely to “the boogie man is going to get you,” type of scare tactic typically used on children to get them to obey, stay within certain perimeters, or to conform!
I have had difficulty with conformity, surrender or being vulnerable. Which if I understand correctly from all that psych mumbo jumbo speak stems from feeling without rights and powerless as a child.
But, at 17, I went away to Humboldt State, besides succeeding in college. I had another goal, to make peace with my past, to rid myself of old thinking and to purge of toxicities, in order to have a successful future. I knew this awareness was the start of my healing; I wanted to be a healthy person and lead a fulfilled life.
Humboldt State offered me the perfect canvas for my soul. Being that another passion of mine was nature. I found refuge in long walks as I savored the refreshing smells of pine trees, cool plants and other foreign flora. These smells were almost therapeutic for me. While the pounding of the waves against the rocks mimicked my body releasing my past. In addition to the giant redwood trees on campus that embraced me with shelter and protection. My tears were the constant rain, famous in that area, they cleansed and washed peace over me. I had sensory overload and it was breath-taking.
That seed had been planted at about age 13 and had been fermenting like kombucha tea. Removing myself from my environment allowed me the privilege of quieting my mind, sorting out, thinking critically, reflecting, assessing and giving me direction.
Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.
For many of us it occurs as our hair starts to change color, as you start to age.
To make amends, to right the wrongs. It’s that stirring in your gut, that voice in your head, a longing, a cry or perhaps a scream! I do believe there comes a point in our lives when you recognize and acknowledge your wrongs, mistakes or sins and you wish to do, be better and do differently.
Once you become a Christian, you need to recognize that your body and your spirit are now God’s dwelling place or house (1 Corinthians 6:19-20
But, as I previously stated I had a hard time surrendering to my Lord. I’m not sure what I thought I was relinquishing? My power! I had none, without Him. The other part had to do with feeling vulnerable. Had I only trusted in my Lord I would have known that surrender is based on love. I was not the boss, that I was in control of my life was just a mere illusion.
Once, I gave my life to my Lord, it’s as if the floodgates opened; my life became easier and surrendering has brought me the greatest blessings
Children who are raised with the Lord or know Him early on come to this realization at a much younger age than I personally did!
I’m not sure what it was; my conscious. I’d like to think it’s the Holy Spirit moving within me. I just Thank my Lord for saving me. I prayed to be filled with the Holy Spirit, so I’d have strength not only to deny, but totally overcome the lusts? The Lord has gently been working on me for a long time– a transformation I credit to the saving grace of Jesus.
Thank you, Father
Abrazos y Besos
Right before posting this I had a massage, as I prayed for healing over my body and the therapist; several thoughts swam through my mind. Of how the body stores memories. I will write about that hopefully next time, stay tuned.